Aha! Profound Moment of Self Discovery

It’s Monday and I have officially, once again started,  The Diet  (because all diets must start on Mondays) to lose those 4 lbs, ok 7 lbs,  alright, alright, really 20 lbs that I’ve been carrying around. I am in shape and can completely hold my own on a 40 mile bike or 13 mile run or a less than 300 m swim (I hate swimming for fitness). I can hike, play tennis, and dominate at Wii boxing. I’m betting I could kick your butt at tetherball. however, I’m at least 20 lbs overweight.

Unfortunately even with all that exercise I  really like food. And large amounts of it. So much so I can no longer allow my shirt to slip up for any length as the ab has remained a gut for far too long. I now pitifully own Spanx. So today I started out wonderfully spinning for 60 minutes and then running for 25 minutes. I maintained my goal of keeping under 1000 calories eaten today until about 2 p.m. And then I had to have chocolate. Like hand over hand shoveling in gluttonous of chocolate chips, and the Costa Rican chocolates my husband brought back from his last trip, and the turtles my friends gave us a couple of days ago, and then planning how many minutes of Wii Biggest Loser I would have to complete in order to work off a drive thru Deters Custard. In a matter of hours, all willpower was lost, everything I had worked for in the first 6 hours of my day seemed obliterated.

I have the attention span of a gnat but this is ridiculous but so telling of my life. I’ll have a fitness goal, a weight loss goal, an organizational goal, an educational goal, a spiritual goal, an idea of any sort and start off so on fire. Usually I can maintain this momentum at least for a little while. But when I encounter the least amount of resistance, or I feel like the Pied Piper with nobody behind me, or I see something shinier,  I start to give up when I don’t see change quick enough.

I ran across a quote lately by Jim Carrey from a Micheal Flemings interview in the March 2004 issue of Playboy magazine. “Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you’re sitting on the couch and you get up and make a triple-decker sandwich.  It’s on the other side of that, when you don’t make the sandwich.  It’s about sacrifice…. It’s about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling.  That’s what I believe, anyway.  I’m always asking, “What am I going to give up next?”  Because I want to feel. ”

I found this very interesting. Somehow I have to strike a balance between eating too much for the enjoyment of food and eating too much so I don’t have to feel. I don’t have a lot of stress in my life that isn’t manageable. It’s the mundane that kills me. It’s that time everyday around 1:30 p.m. when I have to be home to put the youngest down for nap when I would rather be out with friends doing the lunches, the nails, the bike rides, the movies. It’s that time everyday at 3:30 p.m. when I have to get the kids from school and I really just want some nanny to take care of that. It’s that time everyday at 5:30 when it’s up to me to get dinner on the table and deal with the kids fighting or whining or just talking incessantly. I really just want to escape in my room at 5:30 p.m. and not be responsible for anyone but me. It’s that time of day around 10:30 p.m when I feel lonely at night because my husband is out of town. I’ve noticed I start shoveling the food in around those times of the day maybe so I don’t have to feel. I kind of deny those feelings because my life really is so good and so blessed. I feel guilty with those feelings of extreme selfishness. I feel guilty for not wanting to care for my children. I think at some point in my adult life I started eating emotionally to deal with my self centeredness. Who knew!

So with this new Aha! Profound Moment of Self Discovery that I’m just like everyone else and nothing special that can avoid the everyday pitfalls of life I start yet another attempt to lose the weight, to feel better about the way I look, to give myself a fighting chance to stave off breast cancer, diabetes, and heart disease, and to Feel. To Feel everything, to experience pain, loneliness, boredom, sadness, and disappointment in hopes of really experiencing  joy, contentment, excitement, and hope when it comes along.

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