I didn’t really want to go at all.
This side of the family sucks the life out of me.
I went because my DH is gracious and caring. I blame him.
Among other things, I got scolded for giving an unsolicited gift. The recipient was mad because they didn’t know we were exchanging gifts. They were embaressed because they had nothing to give in return. They wouldn’t be the first family member not to know something important about me.
Giving gifts is one of my love languages. I love buying things for people. Random things. Things to let them know I think they are important. That what they do, matters. That they matter to me. I don’t want anything in return. I don’t want thank you notes. I don’t want a last minute return gift that looks like they had thought of me all along. I just want to give a small gift. That’s it. No strings attached.
And then I got it.
For this side of the family I have never been enough.
I’m not smart enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not available enough, I’m not talented enough, I’m not a boy, I’m not calm enough, I’m not common sense, I’m not fast enough, I’m just not what they were hoping for.
But I’m also TOO much.
I’m too dramatic, too busy, too head in the clouds, too lazy, too loud, too mad, too churchy, too book smart, too far away.
However, I realized that what they have had to offer has never been enough for me either. We had the same genes. The same family tree. But somehow we don’t match up. I think its exhausting for all of us to be around each other.
I realized for a person of grace. A person who has been given grace and a person who tries to give grace I have never extended grace, real Godly grace, to my own family.
And I’m ashamed.
And I’m relieved.
And I’m thankful.
I’m thankful that as God has offered His Grace to me over and over again. When I turn to Him, and say “I have nothing left to offer you. I’m embaressed. I’m angry with pride.”
He replies, “There is nothing you have that I want. You have no possession, no talent, no gift, no words, that will ever be enough. I just want you.”
“No strings attached.”
I’m wondering if you have a similar family tree? Do you have an easier time extending grace to people outside of your family?