Sometimes I’m scared by the level of depravity and wickedness to which I can envision myself sinking. And that’s even with a certain level of self-preservation. Who knows what we are all capable of.
The reality is the small good I want to create in my community, my family, and in me could be demolished if even one of my un-pure thoughts were public knowledge. How many times am I yelling in my head “take captive every thought and make it obedient to God!” And yet God can take this broken trainwreck of a woman and still do good.
You may argue with my theology but I don’t see how my brokenness was removed when I became a Christian. When I decided to be obedient to Christ, to become a follower chasing after Him, I was healed and forgiven but that brokenness is still there. It may no longer be a gaping wound but the scars are still very fresh to me on my heart and mind. It’s like if I was a vase that was broken and glued back together. It’s still usable and still somewhat attractive but you can never completely hide the cracks. I didn’t become perfect or immune to sin. Sometimes I think my life as Christian is just one big recognition of my sin. God isn’t surprised by me. Everything is revealed. Everything is a confession of something.
I still need Christ and His love and His grace and His mercy. After I became a Christian I didn’t just become an object of perfection. My heart had been broken. My mind had experienced shame. My soul has survived debilitating grief.
I guess this is why I have a hard time throwing stones at people like Jason Russell. To fellow screw-ups I get what’s it like to lose your mind a little bit and do really, really stupid destructive stuff. I understand how absurd it is to create beautiful good in one minute and be crushed by the weight of that good in the next minute.
I have a much easier time throwing rocks at the self-righteous Pharisees of our world that have forgotten how painful it is to be refined. pruned, or transformed. I can’t fall in line with the thinking that because you are on a pedestal you have a greater responsibility than I to behave in a godly manner. I also can’t believe that when you fall from that pedestal that you need less grace and understanding than I do. You may be hurt more from a fall from that high so you probably need more care.
So I can’t throw rocks at people like Jason Russell. But I can throw rocks at the people who are throwing rocks at him. So I guess that just puts us all in the same boat.
All still in need of God’s grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness.
All of us just a bit jacked up.