If I had known would I have still done this?

God started me down a arduous journey two years ago. I was naive enough to think it might just be a long run. My runner’s head thought I would just push through a few more rough miles on some unknown terrain but I could do that pretty easy.

However, the conviction God put before broke my heart. How could it be there were young girls without a home? They weren’t just any girls either, they were pregnant with precious, precious life. How could they really believe their only option was to kill the baby they were carrying? How could so many fall prey to Satan’s lies of their value to God, of their worth to the kingdom, of the importance of their baby’s life?

I cannot believe the emotional roller coaster I have been on for two years. I still feel like throwing up every day. I eat, breathe, and sleep Sparrow. I am still absolutely driven by this mission. My mind and body are exhausted.  I’ve gained weight and lost weight over Sparrow. Gray hairs are plentiful. I find myself reading and re-reading emails and then reading them again because sometimes my brain just can’t make any more space for what people are trying to tell me . I’m still desperately holding on to God pleading with Him to give me His eyes, His time table, His patience, His hope, His wisdom, and His resources of His people, His money, and His House.

But what is different from two years ago is I am no longer alone in this mission. God has placed the vision in churches that wouldn’t return my phone calls two years ago. God has placed the vision in over 80 volunteers. God has placed the vision in anonymous donors. We have an active prayer ministry now. Volunteers are taking ownership over huge tasks and projects and their leaving me out of all the meetings. Board members are growing in courage and leadership and taking gigantic steps of faith to involve the community. Community leaders are seeking us out and asking how they can help. We’ve had so many in-kind donations we had to get not one but two storage units that are also donated to us. I don’t personally know even half of our facebook fans.

I still don’t know the timeline. I know what I want. I wanted it two years ago. I still don’t have enough money. I’m trusting God with everything I have and don’t have to tell me when to move, when to act in faith in a responsible manner. I’ve handed over my doubt and fear and exhaustion everyday for two years now. And look at what He has done.

I wish I could tell you what the next two years will bring. I don’t know how much longer it will take to secure the house, pass licensing, recruit our staff, train staff, develop a sustainable revenue…I know the phone calls, the side conversations, don’t really ever stop for girls needing a safe and secure place to continue out their pregnancy and start the life that God intended for them.

This uphill journey is far from over but I will see it to the end. If I had known it would take this long and be this hard, would I have still done this? I wish I could be so noble. But this is just one of many reasons I know God’s hand is upon this ministry. He just shows one bit of the path at a time. I can’t even see through the trees without Him.

I’m going to hold on to this feeling of nauseousness, of righteous anger, of broken heartedness and keep my eyes on God.

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