Blessed With Burden

Hey God,

It’s going good. You continue to freakishly bless me. I don’t have to tell you that I’m tired. Like really tired. Like fall in bed exhausted and wake up fatigued. It’s been a long haul. So much more complicated than I could have ever imagined. I ask myself if I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be. Am I really waiting on money to have this happen? I’m starting to ask if there is a simpler way. An easier way.

Did I just hear you chuckle at me? It’s okay. I already know the answer.

The hard things are just seeing through aaaaallllll the stuff that seems to need to be done. It’s hard to see how answering the last 50 emails saves a baby. It’s hard to see to how writing page after page after page of content really convinces anyone to join in the work. It’s hard to see how making decisions about a website changes the life of a teen mom. It’s hard to understand why meeting with all these people day after day makes Sparrow a reality. It’s hard to see how sitting behind this desk helps anybody at all.

Today, I don’t want to talk to anymore businesses. I want to hold the hand of a teen mama. I don’t want to apply for anymore grants. I need to hold that first baby Lord. I need to smell her sweet head. I need to kiss his sweet toes. I don’t want to trip over anymore stuff in my office left over from fundraising events. I want to stand outside of The Nest and watch the house and it’s inhabitants get ready for Christmas. I want to know that everyone inside is safe and taken care of for today. Today Lord, I don’t want to ask for or wish for or beg for anymore money.

I don’t even need to ask. I know I heard you laugh that time.

I know, I know. It’s not about me. It never has been. You have blessed me with this burden. I will never feel content, or undisturbed, or at peace with this. I will always ache. I know I will keep doing the tasks you put before me. I know I can do all this through you who strengthen me. I know when I am weak you are strong. I know you give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I am hard pressed but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, hardly persecuted and definitely not abandoned and can’t even wrap words around the thought of being struck down or destroyed. I’m not sure I know how to exist without dreaming for something better in this world.

I just want to make a difference through you Lord. Help me wait on you. Help me not to move without you. Help me keep the focus on you and not me. Help me keep my eyes on you.

Love,

Me your kiddo

“I wait for the lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5