I’m struggling to understand.
I recently told a friend I have an insatiable need for knowledge and experience. But times like this I wish I didn’t have a need to understand. I’ve lost another family member to cancer. I prayed fervently for healing here and now. Not in heaven when it wouldn’t be a miracle. I feel like a child trying to figure out the right combination of words and actions to get the attention of the genie to grant my wish.
And this isn’t the first time I’ve prayed for God’s power and healing and strength to intervene only to feel like I’ve come up empty handed. I hear stories of other people being healed but I don’t have those to share.
I have the cognitive understanding. I have scriptures through my head like Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 55:8-9, and John 6:38-40 pounding through my ears but at the same time my heart feels shattered again. Questions race through my brain of “what I am not doing right, what am I not praying, were my intentions not pure enough for a God who speaks of grace, why does God seem silent, if I am to be so isolated in this walk who else will God take next from me, if God is a gentleman why does He seem to keep forcing the need of my total reliance on him?
I know I will get through this crisis of faith with surrender of trusting faith in a Father who loves me but today I hurt and I’m wrestling with God. He’s big enough to handle me. He made me with this desire for answers. I know he’ll provide just what I need and that’s the argument we are having today.
How do you handle times of doubt?
What godly direction can you provide me in my current journey?