Why This Morning I Want To Wake The Dead

I’m a brain nerd. I love reading about brain development especially in early childhood but now in early teens, too. I love hearing about how the brain “re-learns” after trauma. Of course, I’m a self-confessed stalker so it’s fascinates me to no end when I can see something different is being thought in the head than what is being spoken in the mouth. You know what I want my super hero power to be. 

I’m waking up this morning fried. I’ve been in go mode with no real down time in I don’t know when. Between Alex’s surgery, Robert’s travel, getting over some virus thing, single parenting, closing on The Nest, working at The Nest, a 6 year old who’s forgotten how to sleep through the night, Emma starting high school , Sam starting middle school , and Alex transferring to a new school, and the housework just won’t seem to disappear no matter how hard I wiggle my nose. I’m zapped.

My brain is not operating on all eight cylindars this morning (and hush to those of you who question if it ever is). However, I’m reflective to where my brain is going this morning. I’m enveloped with that drape of loss and feel a new wave of grief over the death of my Aunt Susan and oddly enough my Grandpa. I’m so tired I actually processed the thought of needing to call my aunt and my grandpa to tell them about the kids starting new schools and The Nest and…and then finally that only non-exhausted piece of my brain kicking in with logic reminding me that my aunt has been in heaven for over 3 months and my Grandpa for over 10 years. 

Isn’t that weird? I mean, I actually had the phone in my hand. 

I know I feel alone, vulnerable, too responsible for everything, tired and all I wanted to do was lean up to two people that mean the world to me and told me I could do anything and rest. I want to watch cooking shows with my aunt and read. I want to sit on a deck with my Grandpa and fish. When all the other voices told me I was too loud or too spastic or not smart enough or not pretty enough these two people not only told me but showed me I was valued, I was beautiful, I was talented and I was important to them. But the most important thing they communicated to me was just to be me.  And that is so energizing for me. 

They would love me and be proud of just me breathing and that was so refreshing. 

So here I sit wanting to call to dead people and I can’t. 

I know I need to build in some margins again since I’m obviously losing it and want make a phone call to heaven but how do you create those boundaries when everything feels like its on your shoulders?

How do you get everything done that needs to get done and still stay upright?

Who refreshes and energizes you with their love and acceptance? 

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