I think I remember gulping for air and my lungs not fully inflating.
Or maybe I was taking in so much air my lungs couldn’t keep up.
My Maddy called me to tell me she thought Ali had been murdered and they had also shot Baby K.
I remember not comprehending then trying to just justify it to teen age drama and gossip.
But it was true. Ali had been murdered. Our first princess at The Nest was gone and I couldn’t understand how this could possibly happen. She was 20 years old. Four years later Ali’s murder remains unsolved. Baby K survived and seems to be doing well as a elementary kiddo. A piece of my heart remains broken.
The anniversary of this tragedy sneaks up on me every year. Ali’s death was a trajectory change in my life. I spent the next two years after her murder so very lost and unclear of my purpose and identity. I have tried for a few years to travel and escape the grief that I don’t feel should be rightfully mine. Of course this year I am stuck here with my own thoughts and memories and questions and no place to hide from grief.
I have been wandering through the book of Psalms for the past several weeks. You will never guess what just showed up tonight.
Yes, you are reading my handwriting correctly. This is the scripture God gave me four years ago when I was reeling. It is the same scripture He blesses me with tonight when I am on the eve of yet another change in my life.
I don’t have any answers for senseless acts of violence against anyone much less a young mother and child. I still struggle with this chapter of my life. I don’t know why this memory still wrecks me. The highway overpass nearest to my home is named after Ali so I have at least a daily reminder of this young girl who trusted me with almost everything and who lived life out loud. I can’t brush all these reminders aside as happenstance. I am suppose to do something with this. I am suppose to allow people to hear a portion of the life songs of these the young mothers who lives intersect with mine no matter how brief.
A new chapter is starting for The Sparrow’s Nest. A new job is starting for me. Even though I can’t seem to see past today’s here and now I am at peace with who I am in God. I am at peace with what He is doing through me and what He is allowing me to see for those around me. He hears my cry. He heals my broken heartedness. He gently leads me back to joining him in defending the fatherless and the oppressed to encourage them and be their voice. A new song is about to heard.